(Warning: Spoilers for people who would like to watch the Indian Bollywood movie Thappad… Watch first and then come back to read.)
I recently watched Thappad with my husband of 28 years. It’s a story of many Indian women – diverse women in terms of age, social status, marital status, work – with one central female protagonist. The protagonist, a homemaker, is slapped by her husband of many years at a party in their home to celebrate his work promotion, when he realises mid-way through the party that the promotion is unlikely to happen. The story unfolds from there, and the lives of the other women get interwoven into that of the protagonist in many ways; her mother, neighbours’ teenage daughter, her house helper, her female lawyer.
Let’s get to the point! I thought I was this really progressive Indian woman and in particular, mother! In fact, I am not ashamed to admit that I held my head high when younger girls, my nieces, young clients, remarked that they were inspired by me. Most call me an empowered Indian woman and my head tilts just a little bit higher. For me, one of the key elements of being empowered is that I take my decisions myself and bear responsibility for them. Of course, I take into account the emotions and needs of my family and other stakeholders, but the decision is mine and mine alone, without pressure from others, especially family. Only then can I take ownership for my actions, and hence can afford to have any positive or other emotions attached to the results of my decisions. If every decision is made for me rather than by me, then how can I take pride or often question my decisions on the journey of growth? Today I look back at the various decisions I have made and how they have truly impacted the person I am today, because I am fortunate to be able to make these decisions without fear of judgment from the important people in my life.
The film took me back to my childhood, my mother, my grandmother, my mother-in-law and to all the women I have known closely over my formative and adult years. I looked at the varied women in the movie and it led me to think and now write about this one woman, often unappreciated and always underestimated by me. She has (unlike me) always been in the background, leaving herself in the shadow so that others could shine, especially her only daughter. Yes, I am talking about my mother, who although not completely independent herself, has always given me the courage, freedom and hope to soar high and become the empowered woman that I am today.
I wept like a baby throughout the movie, and not just because I could identify with every single woman in a unique way. I looked back at how the women in my life had stood up for me at every stage and for my every struggle, often at great risk to themselves. I wept for all the women whose dreams go unrealised and whose prayers go unanswered. Most of all I wept because I finally “looked in the mirror” at the kind of mother I truly am! The “Thappad” or slap was to my face! I always did pride myself on treating my daughter and my son equally… or so I thought. What empowerment have I passed on to my children, to my son and especially my daughter?
Today, I am plainly ashamed to admit that I have not been the mother to my son that I could have been, so that he does not grow up to be (at the risk of complete judgment) the average Indian chauvinistic man. I say this with a sense of guilt because I know I have the greatest influence over my son, and that he holds me in the highest regard, to the extent that sometimes he can see ‘no wrong’ in whatever I do. Therefore, the responsibility I hold in influencing his mindset is utmost. I am doubly ashamed as in addition to having the mother I spoke about earlier; I have also had the very good fortune of living with quite the opposite specimen of the above-mentioned Indian man for the last 28 years (of course I mean my husband).
But more than that, I would like to apologise to my daughter for certainly not being the best mother I could have been. I apologise to you, my daughter, for the countless number of times I have judged you unfairly, based only on the fact that you belong to the female species. Whether it was extra chores, clothes, weight, or just my expectations that differed based on your gender. Any excuse of family or societal pressure doesn’t cut it, I can circumvent those with ease. I have not empowered you with the freedom of choice that should be yours alone. In my heart, I know I have failed you.
Well, NO LONGER!!!
To my mother:
The upbringing you have given me will not be for nothing, I will make myself worthy of being your daughter, in every sense, but especially by carrying your legacy of wanting nothing from your children, except for their happiness! For that and that only, you held me responsible!
To my daughter:
I have gained this awareness and acceptance, and the seed has been planted; I now promise to you, to myself and to the world three things:
1) My husband will become the father that the protagonist has in the film.
2) My son will become the brother that the protagonist hoped she had.
3) And finally, this I certainly vow: ‘I will be the Mother who is the “Platinum Standard” for mothers not only in our country, but in the world!’
When I do, then I will believe I am worthy of inspiring this beautiful young generation of women just waiting to conquer the world!
A call to other mothers (and women) out there – Looked in the Mirror yet?
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