When Can I Grow?

I'm always a sucker for the words ‘growth’ and ‘learning’. Completely contrary to the previous statement, which I tend to be when it comes to myself, all my life I have put off my growth whenever it seems like times are bad. I tell myself, “how can I think of growth during this tough time”? And then I’m very happy and content to ride over the ‘dark’ period, and even congratulate myself when I come out of it unscathed. Unscathed yes, but still the same! And what did I do besides whining (yes, I do make a great whiner), and in fact, always letting the other significant people around me know that I was there for them, and hence couldn’t think of my own growth! OMG, I sound horrible, and yet, that is exactly how I have been... up to now! Today, as a nation and as citizens of the world, we are definitely facing the ‘darkest’ period in my lifetime due to Covid-19; I can safely say that for myself at the very least. Not just due to the lockdown, but the uncertainty of everything around it! How long will it last? How many will actually be ‘spared’ in the whole sense? And countless more questions! Added to that, of course, I have my personal struggles, my husband’s extremely high levels of anxiety, my kids’ struggle of their immediate hopes and dreams dashed, concerns about my ageing parents’ and parents-in-laws’ health; and these are just a few to begin with. Now the choice is mine, and only mine! I can choose to be the ‘old Mala’ and lament about my situation, or I can question myself: “When can I grow”? Today, I have decided to change ‘can’t’ to ‘can’! It was never ‘can’t’ in the first place, it was ‘don’t’, and by making this change, I take the choice and authority back only to me. I will grow despite the circumstances! How, you may ask? I looked inside and realised that truly the ‘darkest’ period for me is the ‘best’ time to grow! This is when everything that I have always ‘known to be the norm’ is now no longer the ‘norm’; and I don’t know if the old norm will ever be available to me. I have now decided to use this ‘darkest’ period to recharge, renew, redo, and reinvent myself in terms of my work, which I had been putting off for years. This is truly the best thing I can do in this period of uncertainty, and by doing this for ‘myself ’, I am actually being a beacon to the people around me, especially to my husband and two adult children. In this process, I am actually learning a tremendous lot about myself. For example, I always thought of myself as being ‘good with technology, especially considering my age’, and in fact even bragged about it to everyone all the time. I have now realised I am totally nascent at it, a complete beginner. All my life, I have been on “top of things’, so to speak. I always thought that I could “do it all myself”, and have today realised how very incorrect and arrogant I was to give myself such false superiority! In the past two weeks, I have had to seek help for every little thing I had assumed I would be able to easily manage on my own. What a leveler it’s been for my big, fat conceited head! In addition, I am reaching out, connecting to as many people as I can in one day; I have actually now set a target for a minimum of five new people a day. I am a wellbeing coach, and today, with Covid-19, I feel that my best offering to people out there can be a chance for them to be heard, and perhaps explore possibilities or opportunities that they might not have been able to identify on their own. I am not able to help medically or financially, but this is the one route through which I can use my personal and professional strengths to offer support. And I am 100% sure that I am not only going to meet the target, but exceed it. In fact, I’m busier and happier than I ever was during ‘my norm’. And I know it’s because I am feeling like “I am making a difference right now, when it’s most needed”. I am now confident that later in the future, regardless of whether a new norm is established, or the old norm is back, I will be a new Mala and will look back at this ‘darkest’ period as also the period of ‘maximum growth’ for myself! Will you promise to yourself to do the same?